Funeral Etiquette
I do not handle funerals and death well. I never have...but to be honest, growing up I never had to much. I really only remember a few funerals that I had to go to growing up, and only one of them was a relatively close family member (a grandfather). This "fear" of funerals and those things related became intensified in college when I lost a very close friendship with my best friend from high school over a misunderstanding when her little sister died. I was trying to be there for her in the best way I knew how, and she took it all the wrong way. I have only spoken to her one time since, and that has made me even more anxious when it comes to funerals.
I think that the main problem I have is knowing what to say to people. What makes this even worse is that going into the ministry I will deal with this on a regular basis. This by far is one of my, if not the, biggest weaknesses I have.
As I have gotten older, I have had to see death more and more. My friends' parents, tragedies, accidents...so many people in recent years that I have known directly or indirectly have passed away.
This brings me to the first part of my two part question of the day...
1. Is there any way to get better at this besides just going to a lot of funerals and reaching out to people? Does anyone out there have any tips on knowing what to say to people?
The next part (related, but quite different) of this question came up the other day when I was talking to my boss about a funeral that was going on Tuesday (a friend of mine's father). I was trying to decide whether to go to the Visitation or to the Funeral. If I had gone to the funeral, I would have missed two conference calls that I am a part of on Tuesday afternoon. If I had gone to the visitation before the funeral, I would been back in time for the conference calls, but I would have missed the funeral.
2. What determines when someone should go to the actual funeral or just visitation will suffice?
For example...I knew the girl, and I met her father a couple of times...but I didnt really know him. I was great friends with the girl and her husband a while back, but I havent really kept up with them in recent months. Should I have attended the Visitation or Funeral or both?
Anyway...this is already too long.
Let me know your thoughts.
posted by Kevin Yates @ 12:18 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
These are very difficult questions. I don't think I would go to the funeral because it sounds like you weren't that close, and it might be awkward. However, you could send a card and/or flowers instead just so the family knows you are thinking of them.
As far as what to say to people--just understand that they are going through a hard time. Don't try to make them feel better--it may trivialize what they're going through or make them feel that they don't have a right to those emotions. It's better to acknowledge that they are going through a difficult time, and that you feel for them. People often offer..."If there's anything I can do..." It's kind of vague. It's better to make a more concrete offer..."Can I bring dinner over to your house tonight? Do you want to go out for coffee?...."
I guess the other thing is that everyone grieves differently on a different timeline. I still cry when I think of George. The only people that I feel truly understand are those who knew him and were close to him.
Hope that helps a little.
I think just experiencing more funerals will make it a bit easier, although not a great process. My parents took me to the funeral home when I was 4 or 5 to people of our church I obviously didn't know. It made me not have a fear of funeral homes later in life when I had to deal with it personally. So, I figured the more I was exposed to it in a non-personal way, the easier it became.
I've had 3 funerals/visatations in my life the last 3 weeks. All were either people I knew personally, or I was close to a family member. None were what I refer to as intimate friends. Everyone I assess individually...based on my relationship to the survivors....that's really what it's for.
As far as what to say, nobody has the perfect thing to say. The best thing is just to be yourself. One thing my Dad said when my Mom passed away that really meant alot....everyone says, "I'll be praying for you."...but one man actually came to visitation and had prayer with my Dad at the casket. He said that meant the world to him.
Thanks for the thoughts girls.
Rachel,
I think you bring up a good point about trivializing things by trying trying to make them feel better. I am a guy, and it is in our nature to want to fix things...in our mind, fixing things when someone is hurting is knowing the right thing to say that is going to make all of the pain go away. It is a struggle when there is nothing to say that will make a person feel better.
I like the idea of offering something concrete.
btw...I ended up going to the visitation, and I feel like that was encouraging for my friend and her husband. I actually got there while they were eating lunch, and not many people had arrived yet...so it gave me an opportunity to just talk to them for a few minutes.
Rose,
I agree with you...I think I will be going to more and more funerals in the future, and hopefully that will help me handle them better.
I think I have gotten a little better at it lately...even being a patient, and having people come visit me (instead of me going to them) it really helped me feel more comfortable with it.
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